Why Lying Addicts Lie

Lying addicts lie for different reasons depending upon the situation.

The following list is in no way exhaustive.

The list goes in order of how many people in my research said they lied for the reasons given.

Each reason for lying will be explained as fully as possible.

LYING BECAUSE THEY HAVE CHRONIC LOW SELF ESTEEM

Lying is a comforter.

If a Lying Addict can believe the things they are saying about themselves, then they are comforted. Lying is a security blanket.

For those moments during the lies, the lying addict is not the non entity they feel they are at their core. Telling a lie about themselves makes them appear more interesting. At all costs, the lying addict does not want to appear the dull and boring person they believe themselves to be. So, for instance, a "geek" who has never had a girlfriend will lie about being the opposite. He will say he's athletic, is a tough guy and has had lots of girlfriends. They don't feel their core self is good enough. They are deeply unhappy with who they are.

With their lies, lying addicts are trying to make themselves somebody "worth getting to know" because they have no faith that people will like them for who they really are. They don't believe they are good enough on any level. If their lives are exciting (through the lies), lying addicts believe people would then, and only then, have a reason to want to talk to them.

It doesn't matter how many words of encouragement or compliments come from others about them, they simply cannot own the words and have to become someone else in the eyes of others. The core need always is to be seen as better than they believe themselves to be and so pretend to be something they are not. They simply don't feel interesting enough so are driven by the need to get people to like them.

A sad reality though is that the lies usually always catch up with them and they end up losing the people anyway.

They lie as a means of pumping up their ego when they feel they have shortcomings in certain areas so the lies make them look better. They don't lie to wantonly hurt and deceive people. They actually desperately want to avoid hurting and deceiving people and hate doing that. They do it to ease the pain of their life as it actually is and create a warped sense of reality to achieve this goal.

Lying addicts go to great lengths to mould themselves into whatever they figure people want, need or expect them to be. Over the years they have ended up developing personas for who they thought they SHOULD be and always hide the person they are. They are often a different person with different people and become walking pretzels and chameleons.

When any two worlds collide and two sets of friends meet for instance, a lying addict can go into internal meltdown.

Lying addicts lie to appear more interesting, more important or to seek approval from others. They always want to know others approve of who they are (their made up self) so lie when they think people won't approve. They build identities that "please others" to make life easier for them.

So for instance, a person will lie to their new partner about who they are so the person will find them more attractive. I need to stress that this is NOT done in a malicious way. If the lying addict was capable of telling you who they really were they would. The fact is, they despise who they are and cope by becoming what they think the other person needs and wants. They become the "perfect person" for that partner (the full ins and outs of why they are "Mr and Ms Wonderful" will be become clear as you read on).

The lies make the lying addict look impressive. This gives them a certain level of control in situations and the euphoric feeling that comes with that admiration response from people becomes the fix, the hit, the drug rush. Suddenly they are "someone". A somebody. They are important. They are noticed. Respected. Admired.

Only by lying can lying addicts get the opportunity to become the someone they would want to be. The feeling, as with all drug hits, is temporary though as guilt sets in pretty soon afterwards for having deceived the person. But for that split second, they feel better about themselves. And they want this feeling again and again as they cannot get self esteem from anywhere else.

The addiction takes hold in a big way.

The lies get the lying addict impressed by others. People smile and approve of them for the person they are showing up as and this can make the lying addict feel warm inside instead of the rejection they feel about themselves the rest of the time. They enjoy the attention they get when they lie about "achievements they have."

Often, the best feeling in the world for a lying addict is to be given compliments related to the lie they have just told.

Lying addicts lie because they always feel the need to be bigger and better than they really are. More PERFECT. They lie to boost their image in the minds of others. This can often be baffling though to the lying addict as they can look at who they really are - for instance good looking, college educated, outgoing, have the ability to make friends easily etc and wonder why they have this core need to pretend to be someone they are not.

When their already chronic low self esteem is particularly low, they randomly pull stories out of nowhere to randomly impress others. This acts as a temporary fix - like having a half bottle of whiskey if you are an alcoholic. At their core, they believe people will not be interested in them in any way if they knew who they really were so feel they have to deceive to get the acceptance they so desperately crave. They lie to fit in.

Lying addicts have a profound need to fit in and belong, to look better than they are.

Lying addicts have a deep need for everything in their life to look great. This extends to marriages and relationships. They will lie so their significant others think things are great and that everything will be okay when in fact the roof could be falling in and they will still lie that everything is great and will be okay.

They can fool themselves that they can then make the lies go away before the person finds out the roof is falling in.

To keep up the good image of themselves as a reliable etc person is paramount. But they prove the opposite with their actions.

The shame they feel for this is immense. The shame they feel all round is immense. They do not get away with the lies. Not for one second.

The lies always damage them in some way.

Lying addicts lie to make people like them. Although this gives them a temporary hit, they often feel pathetic about it and even at times feel physically ill about getting a hit this way.

Sometimes, when they are striving to get someone to find them interesting, they will make up lies that make themselves look bad. For instance, they may say they were once a drug addict or was in prison.

To get people interested in them so they can get their hit is essential. How they achieve that is immaterial. Each lie is said in order to hide something about themselves they don't like. They are desperate for approval and will say whatever needs to be said to get it.

Lying addicts desperately crave acceptance and love.

All chronic low self esteem lies are said to try and make as many people around them as possible like the lying addict, respect them, or to be in awe of them... to think they're Mr or Ms Wonderful. Or Mr or Ms Fascinating. If people think they are richer, smarter, more educated, come from a better family etc, or equally, are more interesting because they have been a heroin addict or been in prison for robbing a bank etc, then the lying addict is "happy" for a fleeting moment.

In the simple words of one suffering lying addict "my self esteem is pathetic and that is why I think I lie."

THEY LIE TO AVOID CONFRONTATION AND CONFLICT

Lying addicts hugely fear confrontation and conflict of any kind.

Typically the only time they will be confrontational is when they are caught in a lie and will then do one of two things (or both). They will either be frozen in toxic shame and cannot respond at all or they will be mean and nasty to ensure the person backs off. They do this to protect themselves and their addiction.

It is almost never to be intentionally hurtful or harmful to the person.

This is the same defensiveness dance all addicts practise when confronted with the consequences of their actions if anyone threatens to take their addiction away.

Another line of defence is to deflect the blame back to the person and say it is all in their head.

Lying to avoid confrontation of any kind is, in a deeply sad way, a passive aggressive action. It is lying addicts only recourse, they feel, of keeping themselves safe within their chronic low self esteem state.

So, lying addicts will lie when the truth will affect how people will think of them and/ or the outcome of the truth will be negative in some way. For example, a lying addict will lie to their significant other about the loss of a job say (and pretend they are still going to work) because first, they know the person will be unhappy about the job loss and second, they may be worried about being labelled a failure by that person's family.

They lie when they are afraid to tell people what they don't want to hear. If they feel backed into a corner and have no way of getting out, they will lie.

Lying addicts will say or do WHATEVER needs to be said or done so that they don't land in hot water of any kind. They will twist and distort any truth there is until there is no truth left.

At all costs, they do not want to be seen as weak or as handling things in the wrong way. They therefore lie to protect themselves from perceived negative consequences. They are deeply afraid of someone's wrath and lie as a defence mechanism BEFORE the wrath they believe they are going to get.

Sadly though, it is usually the lie itself that causes the wrath in the end and not the thing itself. They know this at some level but are powerless to stop their actions anyway.

Their core fear of confrontation and conflict is too great.

It is like an alcoholic knowing at the core level that a drink will create mayhem in the long run but is powerless to stop taking that drink in the temporary fantasy that it will help not hinder their situation. The lie, at that point, therefore, keeps the lying addict "warm and safe" just like the drink does for the alcoholic.

Lying addicts greatly fear getting punished for the consequences of their actions from loved ones in particular - but all people in general.

Often, in addition to the lying addiction, pre-recovery lying addicts can often be irresponsible in general (with money issues in particular) and so find themselves in a painful catch 22. They dread confrontation then inevitably have to face their worse fear - huge confrontation as a result of their actions.

It is a deeply painful cycle they endure on a daily basis.

They lie to stop people from getting mad but the people get mad anyway. They do their utmost to protect themselves from harm but are completely incapable of protecting themselves as the lies always come back to haunt them.

Lying addicts are so afraid of not being perfect that they will lie when confronted about things and have the thought in their minds that they will fix the situation later - like financial problems for instance. They are very afraid of letting people down. Mistakes seem weak to lying addicts and can make them feel worthless. They greatly fear people knowing they have done something wrong.

When they lie they feel safe.

Lying addicts are highly sensitive to shame, suffering and pain. They hate people being mad or upset with them. They hate looking bad in front of people. They hate getting yelled at and they hate making people angry.

And yet their lies create all these things in the long run. Their worst fears always materialise. They attract their worst nightmare. Lying addicts will lie if they fear they are going to be met with anger or yelling and then because of their multiple lies to prevent the confrontation, attract the wrath they dread so much.

Someone's wrath - especially a loved one - is UNBEARABLE for a lying addict. Yet they still always have the fantasy in those moments that the person will not find out the lies.

This is the saddest irony of all.

This happens over and over and over and over again.

Their spiral of suffering goes on and on and on and on...

This all pushes the lying addict further down the rabbit hole of their addiction as more toxic shame and self hatred develops within the lying addict. The feeling of uselessness and worthlessness grows ever bigger within them.

People being angry at lying addicts make them truly feel horrible inside. People's acceptance of them is everything to a lying addict. They will do anything to achieve that acceptance of others and anything to avoid people's disapproval. Lying addicts use lies as a coping mechanism so they don't disappoint people. They will therefore lie to cover up something that they have done.

Sometimes the lies are planned. Sometimes they are uncontrollable

Preventing punishment or rejection of any kind is therefore of extreme and constant importance to a lying addict. The guilt they feel at having to lie their way to non-confrontation is immense over time however. Each of these types of lies has a dripping tap effect on their self esteem and pushes them further into self hate and deeper into their addiction. Self hatred, low self esteem and fear fuel lying addiction and addictions of all kinds.

THEY LIE TO GET WHAT THEY WANT

Lying to get what lying addicts want is another passive aggressive act. As a result of their chronic low self esteem, lying addicts are incapable of asking for what they need and want and so are forced to do whatever it takes to get their needs met in other ways.

Lying addicts will lie to avoid doing things they don't want to do, to be treated in a certain way or to lead the life they want. They strive, almost always, to this in such as way as to not hurt anyone's feelings in the process. Lying can get a lying addict to where they want and need to be fast without having to have the self esteem necessary to get it in a slower emotionally healthy way.

The lies can be of an extreme nature depending upon the severity of the lying addicts need. So say for instance a lying addict starts a new job and is struggling to cope with it at first due to all the new things the person had to learn, he/ she may say their father had just died so they could be given extra support.

Not only would that person be carried through the initial stages of the new job but they would also get the added "benefit" of being "respected" for "carrying on through a difficult time." Some would call this monstrous manipulation. I would call it survival. Lying addicts have to do whatever they have to do to cope in a world where they have no ability to ask for what they need and want.

A lying addicts reasoning for extreme lies to get what they want and need are always based in logic of some sort. One suffering lying addict told his ex girlfriend he had leukaemia "so she would have a wake-up call and put things into perspective." This man would have convinced himself he would be able to get out of it by telling more lies down the line if she came back to him as a result of the "wake-up call".

The chronically sad part in this case and in all these cases is that the loved one leaves the lying addict PRECISLEY BECAUSE of the lies so when the loved one finds out the truth (should they have believed the lying addict and gone back to the person to give the relationship another try), the loved ones end up cut to the bone with agonising pain.

Lying addicts pay a huge internal price for such lies. Their already chronic low self esteem goes down even further and drives them deeper into their lying addiction. They will need to now tell more of the other type of lies to scrape back some temporary self esteem.

Do you get the picture?

They lie as they have no self esteem and then tell more lies to counter this in order to get respect, awe and admiration from others to give them a temporary fix - a feeling of higher self esteem. This is the nuts and bolts of this horrific misunderstood addiction.

Lying addicts have great difficulty asking for even seemingly small things like needing to be alone so will twist and contort themselves with their lies to get these types of basic needs met.

Or if the lying addict wants to do something other than what the other person wants to do, instead of saying so, they will lie their way into doing their desired thing instead.

That said, lying addicts in recovery have found that once they stop lying and are asked what they want to do, they are often unable to say. Having spent all their lives doing what everyone else wanted them to do and being whoever everyone else wanted them to be, they had no idea what their desires, likes and dislikes even are.

THEY LIE TO GET OUT OF CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR ACTIONS

Many of a lying addicts lies are to do with the fact that they are irresponsible and overwhelmed when in active lying addiction. They don't take care of things in their life properly and then lie about it to cover it up.

Lying addicts have immense difficulty dealing with their emotions responsibly and so lie to cover up their flaws, shortcomings and insecurities. They need the feeling of being in control - even if it's only temporary.

They don't like their mistakes to be seen as their fault and will lie until they are blue in the face to argue that they did not do what a person saw them doing with their own eyes. Again, these lies are almost never to hurt or harm even if it seems that way at the time when the person who caught them in their mistake thinks they are going crazy being told they didn't see what they know they saw.

As they lie to protect themselves, telling the truth in these situations will make them vulnerable. This is scary for a lying addict and so these types of lies are a necessary means to an end. They help keep up a veneer in the lying addict's mind of showing the world how responsible, in control and perfect they are.

The problem really comes though when the lying addiction really takes hold and they have to lie to cover up other lies. Then it all just escalates into uncontrollable proportions.

THEY LIE TO PEOPLE PLEASE

These lies fall into two categories.

The first type are lies to do with doing whatever it takes to make people like, accept and respect them. Lying addicts use these lies so as not to upset anyone and to fit in with everyone - again usually to avoid conflicts of any kind as well as to be the person they believe people would want them to be as opposed to the person they are at their core.

They are always trying to please everyone and to them it seems lying is the only way to do that successfully.

Lying addicts live desperately afraid of saying the wrong thing and become experts at reading situations so they don't do just that.

Lying addicts are frightened of telling people what they really feel about any subject and so will tell people what they think they want to hear.

They also cannot say "No" to people due to their chronic low self esteem. They believe that if they say "no" people will not want to be bothered with them any more and this is one of their worst nightmares.

The second type are lies to genuinely make people feel better and to make them happy. In hindsight though, lying addicts realise that lying to make people happy only makes them happy temporarily but are so embedded in their habit of lying that they are powerless to stop doing it.

It is this second type of lie that creates the situation where a significant other can find themselves married to a completely different person than they thought they were married to and be devastated when they realise their partner had lied about everything.

The lying addict intuitively knows who their loved one wants and needs them to be and so becomes that person. It cannot be stressed enough that this is almost never meant to hurt or harm but to simply please the person - to be the Mr or Ms Wonderful the lying addict feels that person needs.

Loved ones often say once a relationship is over that "they were perfect APART FROM THE LIES". I hope this now explains why this was so.

The lying addict gets so much temporary self esteem from pleasing their significant other and the need for more of these fixes escalates.

The lies then grow and take on a life of their own. The lying addict often doesn't even remember half of them because it has simply become too much to cope with and it all just gets out of control.

More than anything else though in these situations, the lying addict just wants to be themselves and stop lying to the one they love.

And almost always they do love the person.

That is a fact.

They just don't know how to authentically love the person as they have no idea who they even are by this stage in the addiction and can often feel like they are losing their minds.

What they would give for it all to have been real so they could have lived forever in that paradise they had created for the person...

THEY LIE FOR ATTENTION

Lying addicts get addictive pleasure when people pay attention to them. It bolsters their cripplingly low self esteem.

Often what can start an addiction to lying is the buzz they get out of getting the maximum reaction out of someone. The desire to flabbergast a person can take over a lying addict's life. For that moment they are the centre of that person's universe, have their maximum attention and are a "somebody".

As their addiction grows and their skill at lying develops, they can get these buzzes on tap by feeding people a line or two of something. This is only until the lying gets chronic and unmanageable though in relation to remembering all the lies...

Until this stage of the addiction, lying addicts can get almost anyone to believe their lies. After a while though, people catch on and that's when things start to go horribly wrong for lying addicts. People's guts tell them that what they are hearing does not add up and the lying addicts know it.

The most common flabbergasting lies involve "car wrecks", being raped, life threatening health conditions - usually cancer, being pregnant and the death of a loved one - usually a parent.

It would not be uncommon for a lying addict to use the same lie over and over in different situations or modify the lie. So a person could say they had been raped multiple times for instance.

To give some insight into how lying addicts develop this strategy for getting temporary hits of self esteem, imagine how we as people feel when giving someone "juicy bad news" about something. This could be a death, a rape, whatever. For the moment when we pass that information on to people, there is pleasure whether we will admit to that or not. Butterflies develop in the stomach as we think how the news we have will shock and "bring excitement" to other's lives. We are important in that moment and have the person's full attention as we give all the details of the flabbergasting news we have heard.

If you doubt the validity of this just check out the way the media works. The whole industry is built on this attention seeking premise. The bottom line is "if it bleeds it leads" and this is probably why "car wrecks" are the most popular lie in this category of lies.

Tragedy sells. Whether that's a lie being sold by a lying addict or a popular news rag.

Lying addicts simply have an exaggerated version of this very normal (and conditioned) way of behaving and need to get that feeling more and more the lower their self esteem is.

And in a catch 22 way, the more they lie the lower their self esteem goes down as they do not get away with a single lie. Their guilt can be immense at their behaviour.

It's a hugely sad and painful cycle they are in... over which they are powerless in the active addiction state.

Lying addicts end up creating a whole other fake life (or lives) for themselves as a result of continually lying for attention.

Another variation of this theme is lying addicts saying they have done, been, seen or had etc what the other person has done, been seen or had. Usually though, their fake experience will be of a more dramatic nature so they will still get the most attention in that situation. This is common in friendships more so than relationships. What usually happens is if a person says they have to have their appendix removed for example, the lying addict will say they are having a hysterectomy.

The lying addict suffers if the attention is removed from them and so has to upstage the person who is removing the attention from them.

Lying addicts also practise saying they have done, been, seen or had etc to get the person to "relate to them" too and is not always to upstage. Remember their need to be whatever they feel others need them to be...

After a while, the lying addict stops enjoying the attention that the lies used to give them as they are forever trying to stay two steps ahead in case they get caught in their lies. They are juggling many plates and all of them could come crashing down at any time.

The nature of the addiction though is that it will force them to keep on telling their fake stories in order to keep their tattered self esteem intact.

Just like with an alcoholic or a drug addict... the person needs more of the wet or dry drug to get the same effect. And just like with drink or drugs, the more they have, the worse they feel in the long run.

It is the exact same thing with lying addicts.

THEY LIE TO GET SYMPATHY

As their sense of self is so fragmented and their self esteem so chronically low, lying addicts will jump at the chance to get attention through sympathy. The sympathy they get with their stories makes them feel special for the moments they are receiving the sympathy.

In a way, they are getting the sympathy they so desperately need - but by default. Lying addicts feel an overwhelming sadness deep inside because of their addiction and cannot tell people why because liars are despised so much.

As lying addicts cannot ask for what they want and need, they will often try to get sympathy when they feel lonely or isolated by, for example, telling a friend someone they love had just died. Instead of just being able to say to someone that they are in need of love, warmth and companionship they feel forced instead to get their needs met the only way they know how - by lying.

Lying addicts will do whatever it takes to get their needs met. If they cannot ask for what they need they will force the issue. So, someone who needs time off from work but has no annual leave left would say they had a serious illness for example. This gets the person both the attention they need through sympathy and the time off.

Again, some may call this monstrous manipulation. I call it survival.

Lying addiction can create some heartbreaking messes.

This is not a pretty addiction.

In my opinion, where Munchausen Syndrome ends (where a person pretends they have a disease or illness to get attention or sympathy) and lying addiction begins is at that point where a person will lie for other reasons too - as described in this section.

Copyright © 2012 Billi Caine